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Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591
Dear Sirs;
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,
and at the same time getting our airline industry back
on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to
look at naked women we should replace all of our female
flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman
in this country would start flying again in hope of
seeing naked women. We would have no more hijackings,
and the airline industry would have record sales.
Now why didn't Congress think of this?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
AFGHANISTAN MEDICNE
Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan,
and he was only here a few months when he became very
ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them
could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.
The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de
odder room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and
den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in
de fumes for ten minutes."
Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit
in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed
in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked.
I feel terrific! What was it?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
BIN LADEN INVITATION
September 12, 2001
Dear Osama Bin Laden, Yasser Arafat, and Sadam Hussein,
et. al.,
We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally
accept your challenge to an old-fashioned game of whoop-ass.
Now that we understand the rule that there are no rules,
we look forward to playing by them for the first time.
Since this game is a winner-take-all, we unfortunately
are unable to invite you to join us at the victory celebration.
But rest assured that we will toast you -- LITERALLY.
While we will admit that you are off to an impressive
lead, it is however now our turn at the plate.
By the way, we will be playing on your court now.
Batter up.
Sincerely,
The 280,000,000 citizens of the United States of America
OSAMA’s WISH
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam
are out walking together one day. They come across a
lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one
wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer,
my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want
the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With
a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada
was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said,
"I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels,
Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF'
there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil
engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell
me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about
15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds
the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."
"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."
Why are Radical Muslim Fanatical Idiot
Stupid Stinky Terrorists so quick to commit suicide?
Let's look at their lifestyle:
No premarital sex.
No oral sex. Giving or receiving. Never.
No booze. None.
No TV. No cable TV.
No Spice channel. No Playboy channel.
No Hooters. "What is this Hooters of which you
speak ?!?"
No titty bars.
No organized sports of any kind. That's right --
no sports.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veil's.
Women have to cover up everything!
Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Many camels.
Sand. Fucking sand everywhere!
More sand.
Ever fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Bar-B-Q's are cooked over burning camel dung chips.
Eating with your right hand only -- because you
wipe your ass with your left hand.
Constant wailing from the asshole next door ...
no wait, is that music? Shit! I can't tell.
MORAL QUESTION
I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary
situation, but I think it is interesting to decide what
one would do.
The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there
is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost,
water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.
Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still
photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking
for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Osama
Bin Laden who has
been swept away by the floodwaters.
He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about
to go under. You can either put down your camera and
save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph
of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
So, here's the question and think carefully before you
answer the question:
Which lens would you use?
TRUTH ABOUT BIN LADEN
Q:Why does Osama always carry a piece
of shit in his pocket?
A: It's his photo ID
Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have
in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass
bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q: What does osama bin laden and General
Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are
coming from!
Q: What's the difference between the Taliban
and a bucket of shit?
A: the bucket
Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.
Q: Why don't bin laden's people eat shit
sandwiches?
A: they can't stand bread
Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers
ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: because the camels can't handle it
AFGHAN TV GUIDE
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The
Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless
Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the
Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
RULES OF COMBAT
1. YOU ARE NOT SUPERMAN
2. RECOIL LESS RIFLES - AREN'T
3. SUPPRESSIVE FIRE - WON'T
4. IF IT'S STUPID, BUT WORKS, IT'S NOT STUPID
5. DON'T LOOK CONSPICUOUS - IT DRAWS FIRE
6. NEVER DRAW FIRE, IT IRRITATES EVERYONE AROUND YOU
7. WHEN IN DOUBT, EMPTY THE MAGAZINE
8. NEVER SHARE A FOXHOLE WITH ANYONE BRAVER THAN YOU
9. YOUR WEAPON WAS MADE BY THE LOWEST BIDDER
10. IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING REALLY WELL, IT'S AN AMBUSH
11. REMEMBER, IF THE CLAYMORE IS POINTED AT YOU
12. ALL FIVE SECOND GRENADE FUSES ARE THREE SECONDS
13. TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT, THEY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO
14. IF YOU ARE FORWARD OF YOUR POSITION, THE ARTILLERY
WILL BE SHORT.
15. THE ENEMY DIVERSION YOU ARE IGNORING IS THE MAIN
ATTACK
16. THE EASY WAY IS ALWAYS MINED
17. THE IMPORTANT THINGS ARE ALWAYS SIMPLE
18. THE SIMPLE THINGS ARE ALWAYS HARD
19. IF YOU ARE SHORT EVERYTHING, EXCEPT THE ENEMY, YOU
ARE IN COMBAT
20. NO ONE SURVIVES FIRST CONTACT INTACT
21. WHEN YOU HAVE SECURED AN AREA, DON'T FORGET TO TELL
THE ENEMY
22. INCOMING FIRE HAS RIGHT OF WAY
23. NO COMBAT READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION
24. NO INSPECTION READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED COMBAT
25. TEAMWORK IS ESSENTIAL. IT GIVES THEM MORE PEOPLE
TO SHOOT AT
26. IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU
27. FRIENDLY FIRE ISN'T
28. ANYTHING YOU DO CAN GET YOU SHOT, INCLUDING DOING
NOTHING
29. MAKE IT TOO TOUGH FOR THE ENEMY TO GET IN, AND YOU
CAN'T GET OUT
30. TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS
31. THE ONLY THING MORE ACCURATE THAN INCOMING ENEMY
FIRE IS FRIENDLY INCOMING FIRE
32. RADIOS WILL FAIL AS SOON AS YOU NEED ANYTHING DESPERATELY
33. IF YOU TAKE MORE THAN YOUR FAIR SHARE OF OBJECTIVES,
YOU WILL HAVE MORE THAN YOUR FAIR SHARE TO TAKE
34. WHEN BOTH SIDES ARE CONVINCED THEY ARE ABOUT TO
LOSE-THEY'RE RIGHT
35. PROFESSIONALS ARE PREDICTABLE-BUT THE WORLD IS MADE
UP OF AMATEURS
36. ALL WEATHER CLOSE AIR SUPPORT DOESN'T WORK IN BAD
WEATHER
37. THE BURSTING RADIUS OF A HAND GRENADE IS ALWAYS
ONE FOOT GREATER THAN YOUR JUMPING RANGE
38. THE ONLY TERRAIN THAT IS TRULY CONTROLLED IS THE
TERRAIN YOU ARE STANDING ON
39. MANED DESIGNATIONS NEVER SAY HOW MANY MEN
40. THE LAW OF THE BAYONET SAYS: THE MAN WITH THE BULLET
WINS
41. IGNORE THE BODIES THAT ARE EVERYWHERE. JUST STEP
OVER THEM.
42. THE BEST TANK KILLER IS ANOTHER TANK, THEREFORE
TANKS ARE ALWAYS FIGHTING EACH OTHER AND HAVE NO TIME
TO FIGHT THE WAR
43. PRECISION BOMBING IS NORMALLY ACCURATE WITHIN THE
PLUS OR MINUS ONE YOU ARE STANDING ON
44. DON'T WORRY, GEORGE W. SENT YOU HERE, HE KNOWS WHAT
IT IS LIKE TO BE IN A WAR.
Boeing News
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists
have been operating at the Boeing Renton site. Police
advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
Boeing security stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin,
Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration
issues. The Police advise further that they can find
no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member,
Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone
who
looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the
plant.
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