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Vol. 36

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WHAT DOES THE ACLU STAND FOR

ACLU TRUTH!

 

See the truth that the Politicians do not want you to know about 9/11 and that peaceful religion!

WTC TRUTH

 

Bush is leaving on Wednesday for meetings in Cancun with Mexican President Fox.

Vicente Fox , who has been disappointed by Bush's failure so far to achieve progress on the guest-worker program. Mexico took out full-page ads in U.S. newspapers this week promoting the guest-worker idea.

Immigration is looming as a key issue in the November midterm elections in which Republicans are seeking to hold on to their majorities in both houses of Congress.

But the politics of border security have created competing pressures for Republicans.

Bush views the guest-worker program as way of courting Hispanic voters in key states like Arizona, New Mexico and Florida. But some conservative Republicans are focusing on enforcement as constituents vent frustration at what they see as a strain on schools, hospitals and other local resources from illegal immigration.

Now does anyone see a problem here. Why doesn't the United States take out full page adds in Mexico elling them to provide education and jobs for ther own people and America. both of these guys are full of SHIT! Fox does nothing to help his country and Bush does nothing to end illegal immigration! Illegal is Illegal!

 

SAFETY TIP: PRODUCT WARNING!

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shoc
k

 

SELECTIVE HATE

So an Iraian Muslim wants revenge for all the Muslims of the world. This Towel Head drives a rented SUV into a crowd of students in North Carolina College. ounds like a hate crime doesn't it? But it is not.

Now take that same storyand replace Muslim with White Man, NOW you have a hate crime. Don't you just love this politically correct justice system. No wonder the Terrorists find U.S. weak.

But now back to the Towel Head. If he really wanted t exact revenge on behalf of all of the Musims in the world, why didn'the draw a cartoon and pass it out at the college. I know that sure would have pissed me off. Hell I would be demonstrating in the street if he did that!

 

ISLAM IS A PEACEFUL RELIGION

[Editor's Note: Below are selected excerpts from Brigitte Gabriel's
speech delivered at the Intelligence Summit in Washington DC , Saturday February 18, 2006 ].

We gather here today to share information and knowledge. Intelligence is not merely cold hard data about numerical strength or armament or
disposition of military forces. The most important element of
intelligence has to be understanding the mindset and intention of the
enemy. The West has been wallowing in a state of ignorance and denial
for thirty years as Muslim extremist perpetrated evil against innocent
victims in the name of Allah.

I was ten years old when my home exploded around me, burying me under the rubble and leaving me to drink my blood to survive, as the
perpetrators shouted "Allah Akbar!" My only crime was that I was a
Christian living in a Christian town. At 10 years old, I learned the
meaning of the word "infidel."

I had a crash course in survival. Not in the Girl Scouts, but in a bomb
shelter where I lived for seven years in pitch darkness, freezing cold,
drinking stale water and eating grass to live. At the age of 13 I
dressed in my burial clothes going to bed at night, waiting to be
slaughtered. By the age of 20, I had buried most of my friends--killed
by Muslims. We were not Americans living in New York , or Britons in
London . We were Arab Christians living in Lebanon .

As a victim of Islamic terror, I was amazed when I saw Americans waking up on September 12, 2001 , and asking themselves "Why do they hate us?"

The psychoanalyst experts were coming up with all sort of excuses as to what did we do to offend the Muslim World. But if America and the West were paying attention to the Middle East they would not have had to ask the question. Simply put, they hate us because we are defined in their eyes by one simple word: "infidels."
Under the banner of Islam "la, ilaha illa allah, muhammad rasoulu
allah,"

(None is god except Allah; Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah) they
murdered Jewish children in Israel, massacred Christians in Lebanon,
killed Copts in Egypt, Assyrians in Syria, Hindus in India, and expelled
almost 900,000 Jews from Muslim lands. We Middle Eastern infidels paid the price then. Now infidels worldwide are paying the price for
indifference and shortsightedness.

Tolerating evil is a crime. Appeasing murderers doesn't buy protection.
It earns one disrespect and loathing in the enemy's eyes. Yet apathy is
the weapon by which the West is committing suicide. Political
correctness forms the shackles around our ankles, by which Islamists are leading us to our demise.

America and the West are doomed to failure in this war unless they stand up and identify the real enemy: Islam. You hear about Wahabbi and Salafi Islam as the only extreme form of Islam. All the other Muslims, supposedly, are wonderful moderates. Closer to the truth are the pictures of the irrational eruption of violence in reaction to the
cartoons of Mohammed printed by a Danish newspaper. From burning
embassies, to calls to butcher those who mock Islam, to warnings that
the West be prepared for another holocaust, those pictures have given us a glimpse into the real face of the enemy. News pictures and video of these events represent a canvas of hate decorated by different
nationalities who share one common ideology of hate, bigotry and
intolerance derived from one source: authentic Islam. An Islam that is
awakening from centuries of slumber to re-ignite its wrath against the
infidel and dominate the world. An Islam which has declared "Intifada"
on the West.

America and the West can no longer afford to lay in their lazy state of
overweight ignorance. The consequences of this mental disease are
starting to attack the body, and if they don't take the necessary steps
now to control it, death will be knocking soon. If you want to
understand the nature of the enemy we face, visualize a tapestry of
snakes. They slither and they hiss, and they would eat each other alive,
but they will unite in a hideous mass to achieve their common goal of
imposing Islam on the world.

This is the ugly face of the enemy we are fighting. We are fighting a
powerful ideology that is capable of altering basic human instincts. An
ideology that can turn a mother into a launching pad of death. A perfect
example is a recently elected Hamas official in the Palestinian
Territories who raves in heavenly joy about sending her three sons to
death and offering the ones who are still alive for the cause. It is an
ideology that is capable of offering highly educated individuals such as
doctors and lawyers far more joy in attaining death than any respect and stature, life in society is ever capable of giving them.

The United States has been a prime target for radical Islamic hatred and terror. Every Friday, mosques in the Middle East ring with shrill
prayers and monotonous chants calling death, destruction and damnation down on America and its people. The radical Islamists' deeds have been as vile as their words. Since the Iran hostage crisis, more than three thousand Americans have died in a terror campaign almost unprecedented in its calculated cruelty along with thousands of other citizens worldwide. Even the Nazis did not turn their own children into human bombs, and then rejoice at their deaths as well the deaths of their victims. This intentional, indiscriminate and wholesale murder of
innocent American citizens is justified and glorified in the name of
Islam.

America cannot effectively defend itself in this war unless and until
the American people understand the nature of the enemy that we face.
Even after 9/11 there are those who say that we must "engage" our terrorist enemies, that we must "address their grievances". Their grievance is our freedom of religion. Their grievance is our freedom of speech. Their grievance is our democratic process where the rule of law comes from the voices of many not that of just one prophet. It is the respect we instill in our children towards all religions. It is the equality we grant each other as human beings sharing a planet and striving to make the world a better place for all humanity. Their grievance is the kindness and respect a man shows a woman, the justice we practice as equals under the law, and the mercy we grant our enemy. Their grievance cannot be answered by an apology for who or what we are.

Our mediocre attitude of not confronting Islamic forces of bigotry and
hatred wherever they raised their ugly head in the last 30 years, has
empowered and strengthened our enemy to launch a full scale attack on the very freedoms we cherish in their effort to impose their values and way of life on our civilization.

If we don't wake up and challenge our Muslim community to take action against the terrorists within it, if we don't believe in ourselves as
Americans and in the standards we should hold every patriotic American to, we are going to pay a price for our delusion. For the sake of our children and our country, we must wake up and take action. In the face of a torrent of hateful invective and terrorist murder, America 's learning curve since the Iran hostage crisis is so shallow that it is
almost flat. The longer we lay supine, the more difficult it will be to
stand erect.

 

GOOD EXCUSE

What would Ted Kennedy do if he shot someone? He would walk home drunk, go to bed, wake up the next morning and ask where his car was!

 

MESSICAN

A Mexican from Friona found himself in Houston and decided to approach a prostitute down on lower Oppenheimer.   He asked her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"

"$100," she replied.

"Do you do Messican-style?" he asked.

Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.

He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Messiccan-style."

Again she declined.

Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer. "I'll give you $500 to go Messican-style with me! What do you say?"

Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over ten years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdos from all over the world. How kinky could Messican-style be?"

After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Messican-style' come in?"

The Mexican popped a can of beer and replied, "I pay you next Friday when I get my check."

 
NO CREDIT CARD REQUIRED
 

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE... OLDER:

1. Sag, you're  It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions, shouted into your good  ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says  Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You  change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1.  Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't  care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber  today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking  lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:

I signed up for an exercise class and was told  to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky  dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice! if whenever we messed up our life we  could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all  over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize  you haven't
fallen asleep yet.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but  fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember!
A  Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And
Always Close To Your Heart

 

IT'S A MAN THING! D.N.A.

 

TELL THE MUSLIMS THE TRUTH

One of my sons serves in the military. He is still stateside, here in  California .

He called me yesterday to let me know how warm and welcoming people were to him, and his troops. Everywhere he goes, telling me how people shake their hands, and thank them for being willing to serve, and fight, for not only our own freedoms but so that others may have them also.

But he also told me about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at
yesterday, on his way home from the base. He said that ahead of several
people in front of him stood a woman dressed in a Burkha. He said when she got to the cashier she loudly remarked about the U.S. flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her smock. The cashier reached up and touched the pin, and said proudly," Yes, I always wear it and probably always will."

The woman in the Burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop
bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi. A gentleman standing
behind my son stepped forward, putting his arm around my son's shoulders, and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman:

"Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have
fought and died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a
check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you
been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there
today. But, hey, if you have now learned how to speak out so loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way back to Iraq so you can straighten out the mess in YOUR country that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid"

Everyone within hearing distance cheered!
 

BAG SOME TERRORIST D.N.A.

 

My wife left me...

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to

cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big

drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from

grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up

anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back

 

IT'S A MAN THING! D.N.A.

 

REMEMBER THESE IMAGES WHEN YOU HEAR OUR GOVERNMENT AND THE MUSLIMS SAY, "THE HOLY SITES MUST NOT BE DESECRATED!"


http://members.cox.net/classicweb/Heroes/heroes.htm


YEAH RIGHT!
NUKE EM DANO!

 

FOR THOSE THAT LOVE TO HATE BUSH

 

 

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National Anthem by The Langoliers from the CD Osama Snubbed

email: osamasnubbed@aol.com

 
KNOW WHAT WAS SAID

YOU MUST KNOW THE STATS

The following are true facts and verified statistics.

The Global Islamic population is approximately 1,200,000,000, or 20% of the world's population. They have received the following

Nobel Prizes:
Literature:
1988 - Najib Mahfooz

Peace:
1978 - Mohamed Anwar El-Sadat
1994 - Yaser Arafat

Physics:
1990 - Elias James Corey
1999 - Ahmed Zewail

Medicine:
1960 - Peter Brian Medawar
1998 - Ferid Mourad

Very Impressive! 

But keep reading.

The Global Jewish population is approximately 14,000,000 or about 0.02% of the world's population.  They received the following Nobel Prizes:

Literature:
1910 - Paul Heyse
1927 - Henri Bergson
1958 - Boris Pasternak
1966 - Shmuel Yosef Agnon
1966 - Nelly Sachs
1976 - Saul Bellow
1978 - Isaac Bashevis Singer
1981 - Elias Canetti
1987 - Joseph Brodsky
1991 - Nadine Gordimer World

Peace:
1911 - Alfred Fried
1911 - Tobias Michael Carel Asser
1968 - Rene Cassin
1973 - Henry Kissinger
1978 - Menachem Begin
1986 - Elie Wiesel
1994 - Shimon Peres
1994 - Yitzhak Rabin

Physics:
1905 - Adolph Von Baeyer
1906 - Henri Moissan
1910 - Otto Wallach
1915 - Richard Willstaetter
1918 - Fritz Haber
1943 - George Charles de Hevesy
1961 - Melvin Calvin
1962 - Max Ferdinand Perutz
1972 - William Howard Stein
1977 - Ilya Prigogine
1979 - Herbert Charle s Brown
1980 - Paul Berg
1980 - Walter Gilbert
1981 - Roald Hoffmann
1982 - Aaron Klug
1985 - Albert A. Hauptman
1985 - Jerome Karle
1986 - Dudley R. Herschbach
1988 - Robert Huber
1989 - Sidney Altman
1992 - Rudolph Marcus
2000 - Alan J. Heeger

Economics:
1970 - Paul Anthony! Samuelson
1971 - Simon Kuznets
1972 - Kenneth Joseph Arrow
1 975 - Leonid Kantorovich
1976 -! Milton Friedman
1978 - Herbert A. Simon
1980 - Lawrence Robert Klein
1985 - Franco Modigliani
1987 - Robert M. Solow
1990 - Harry Markowitz
1990 - Merton Miller
1992 - Gary Becker
1993 - Robert Fogel

Medicine:
1908 - Elie Metchnikoff
1908 - Paul Erlich
1914 - Robert Barany
1922 - Otto Meyerhof
1930 - Karl Landsteiner
1931 - Otto Warburg
1936 - Otto Loewi
1944 - Joseph Erlanger
1944 - Herbert Spencer Gasser
1945 - Ernst Boris Chain
1946 - Hermann Joseph Muller
1950 - Tadeus Reichstein
1952 - Selman Abraham Waksman
1953 - Hans Krebs
1953 - Fritz Albert Lipmann
1958 - Joshua Lederberg
1959 - Arthur Kornberg
1964 - Konrad Bloch
1965 - Francois Jacob
1965 - Andre Lwoff
1967 - George Wald
1968 - Marshall W. Nirenberg
1969 - Salvador Luria
1970 - Julius Axelrod
1970 - Sir Bernard Katz
1972 - Gerald Maurice Edelman
1975 - Howard Martin Temin
1976 - Baruch S. Blumberg
1977 - Roselyn Sussman Yalow
1978 - Daniel Nathans
1980 - Baruj Benacerraf
1984 - Cesar Milstein
1985 - Michael Stuart Brown
1985 - Joseph L. Goldstein
1986 - Stanley Cohen (& Rita Levi-Montalcini)
1988 - Gertrude Elion
1989 - Harold Varmus
1991 - Erwin Neher
1991 - Bert Sakmann
1993 - Richard J. Roberts
1993 - Phillip Sharp
1994 - Alfred Gilman
1995 - Edward B. Lewis

Physics:
1907 - Albert Abraham Michelson
1908 - Gabriel Lippmann
1921 - Albert Einstein
1922 - Niels Bohr
1925 - James Franck
1925 - Gustav Hertz
1943 - Gustav Stern
1944 - Isidor Issac Rabi
1952 - Felix Bloch
1954 - Max Born
1958 - Igor Tamm
1959 - Emilio Segre
1960 - Donald A. Glaser
1961 - Robert Hofstadter
1962 - Lev Davidovich Landau
1965 - Richard Phillips Feynman
1965 - Julian Schwinger
1969 - Murray Gell-Mann
1971 - Dennis Gabor
1973 - Brian David Josephson
1975 - Benjamin Mottleson
1976 - Burton Richter
1978 - Arn o Allan Penzias
1978 - Peter L Kapitza
1979 - Stephen Weinberg
1979 - Sheldon Glashow
1988 - Leon Lederman
1988 - Melvin Schwartz
1988 - Jack Steinberger
1990 - Jerome Friedman
1995 - Martin Perl

Perhaps if the world's Muslims could invest more in education and less in blaming the REST OF THE WORLD for all their problems, we could all live in a better world.

MUSLIM INSIGHT TO THEIR FUTURE

 

GRADE SCHOOL EDUCATION

Three third graders students, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.'"

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is That true, Mom?"

The Mom replied, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

 

ANOTHER WASHINGTON SCANDAL

All of the evidence is not in, but it appears that Secretary of State Rice may have slept with Senator Ted Kennedy. I will send details when they become available.  All I have for now is this photo.

 

DO YOU SPEAK SPANISH

You don't have to. This is America, NOT Mexico!

 

BENNISH AND THE ACLU

If Bennish, the Colorado High School Teacher was giving a pro speech about GOD would th attorneys and the ACLU say that it is his First Amendant right?

 

DISCRIMINATION TO THE MAX

Why is it that we can not use our military troops to keep the illegal Mexicans out of America, but we can use the Coast Guard to return Cubans that are fleeing a Communist Dictator? Fleeing Communism shoud be the first right to come to America. Not because a countrys economy depends on the money sent back by the illegals. Did anyone hear any Pro Illegal Mexican group demand that the Cubans be let in?

 

WHOLESALE FENG SHUI

FENG SHUI SHACK

 

THE BIG QUESTION

The Muslims get upset about a cartoon.
The Muslims get upset when they shoot at us from a mosque and we shoot back and put a small bullet hole in it.
The Muslims don't get upset when they blow up their mosques!
 

WHY DON'T THE MUSLIMS JUST DRAW A CARTOON OF THE MOSQUES AND PISS ALL OF THEM OFF?

 

Striking a blow for the Individual
96 Year Old's Letter to bank


  Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it  published in the New York Times.

  Dear Sir:

  I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which  I 
  endeavored  to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds  must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival  in  my account of the funds needed to honor it.

  I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
  salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight  years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window  of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty  for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

  My thankfulness springs from the manner in  which this incident has
  caused  me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas  I  personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact  you. I am  confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity  which your bank has become.

    From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood  person.
  My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer  be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed  personally 
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

  Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
  person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact  Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs  to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your  bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must  be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her  financial  situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be  accompanied by  documented proof. In due course, I will issue your  employee a PIN number  which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I  regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have  modeled it on the number of  button presses required of me to 
access my  account balance on your phone bank  service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as
  follows:

  1. To make an appointment to see me.
  2. To query a missing  payment.
  3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
  4.  To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
  5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
  6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
  7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
  computer is required.  Password will be communicated to you at a
  later date to the Authorized Contact.
  8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
  9.  To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will  then
  be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
  service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, 
  uplifting  music will play for the duration of the call.

  Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
  establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
  May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

  Your Humble Client

 

LAWS

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with  grease
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the  Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible  corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is  directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the  Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy  signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work  because
you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat  tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you  were
in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath  Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the  telephone
rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting  someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be  seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a  machine
won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the  itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any  event, the people whose seats are furthest from
the aisle arrive  last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,  your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee  is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a  locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty  Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
of landing face  down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of  the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you  don't know what
you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits,  it's really ugly.

Wilson 's Law: As soon as you find a product that you  really like, they
will stop making it or change it.

 

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK....
 
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
 
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
 
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
 
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
 
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
 
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
 
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
 
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
 
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
 
10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
 
11. I like you. ! You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
 
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
 
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
 
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
 
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
 
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
 
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
 
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
 
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
 
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
 
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
 
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
 
! 24. Do I look like a people person?
 
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
 
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
 
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
 
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
 
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
 
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
 
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
 
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
 
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
 
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
 
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
 
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is one.
 
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
 
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
 
39. Who lit the fuse on ! your tampon?
 
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different. 

 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
 
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
   Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
   and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly
   removed.

2. Clumsy?  Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
     vegetables by getting someone else to hold them
     while you chop away.
 
3. Avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the
     toilet seat by simply using the sink.
 
4. For high blood pressure sufferers:  simply cut
   yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
    the pressure in your veins.  Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,

   will prevent you from rolling over and going back to

   sleep after you hit the snooze button.
 
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
    laxatives. Then you'll be too afraid to cough.
 
7. Have a bad toothache?  Smash your thumb with a
    hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
 
NOTE; Sometimes, we just need to remember what the

rules of life really are:
1. You only need two tools:  WD-40 and Duct Tape
2. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
3. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
 
Remember:
1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
2. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
3. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get
another chance.
4. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; 
you never know when you might need them to empty your bed pan.

 

CALIFORNIANS

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

 

GET A FRESH CUP OF TERRORIST D.N.A

 

LOOK PRETTY IN PINK (D.N.A)

 

GOT A QUESTION OR A PROBLEM WITH POLITICIANS
Contact the career politicians and the Special Interest Nazis and let them know about the rest of US

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March 2006